The Wait Continues

Our adoption Home Study is almost complete. We are waiting for one more paper to be processed - that form should be completed on September 23. Aside from waiting for this final form, the Home Study process has been pretty seamless for us. We had our two required visits with our case manager; the first visit was to interview us together as a couple, including a tour of our home, and our second visit was to interview us separately. The visits were not as invasive as I had imagined them to be. It truly was just sitting down with someone and talking about our marriage, family and life up to this point - as well as your dreams for the future.

With me being able to stay home at this time I have been able to get all of the paperwork filled out and sent in fairly quickly. *Pats self on the back.* As we wait for the final paper to be completed we are currently working on our adoption profile book and our ‘Dear Expectant Parent(s)’ letter. Our profile book is what expectant parent(s) will look through as they try to narrow down who they want their child's adoptive parents to be. Expectant parent(s) will look through many profile books - that is a huge decision and a lot of pressure on us to show who we are and that we will be fit to raise their child.

The ‘Dear Expectant Parent(s)’ letter is probably the hardest letter I have ever had to write. How do you truly articulate in a letter format how grateful you are that they are even glancing at our letter? As they consider creating an adoption plan for their child or they may already have an adoption plan in place - how do I express my gratitude and admiration for the amazing gift they are giving?

One day we will meet our expectant parents. We don’t know when it will be or what the meeting will look like, but we look forward to that day. One day a mother will place her baby in our arms, entrusting us with this life, this precious gift from God. She will be counting on us to provide and love her child. That is a huge responsibility - one that we do not take lightly. It is terrifying and exciting all at the same time. One day we will be parents and in order for that to happen our expectant parents will have to make the most selfless and hardest decision of their lives. I could not imagine what that must be like, but I will be forever grateful when that day comes.

We are excitedly anticipating the next few months once our Home Study is finished. In order for our profile to be viewed by expectant parent(s) our Home Study has to be completed and approved. Once our Home Study is completed, it could be days, weeks, months or even years before we are matched with an expectant family. The unknown is exciting, terrifying and annoying all at the same time. I’m a planner - I like to know the next step four moves ahead. However, in this time I will remind myself that God is always faithful - He has gotten us this far and He will carry us the rest of the way.

So now as we complete our profile book and await the completion of our Home Study, we are now beginning to plan our nursery and purchase all that we need for the baby. Kristofer asked me to make a list of all that we need for the baby - I started to name everything off the top of my head and we both quickly got overwhelmed. I have made a list and also created a registry on Target.com mainly so I won’t have to go back and remember everything I wanted/needed. So I am sure I will slowly begin purchasing those items as we begin to create our nursery. The delivery person is going to know my name after all of my orders are delivered. It is exciting!

So as we wait and plan, we continually pray for our baby and expectant parents. We pray that God will form our baby in His image and protect our expectant mother as she experiences everything that pregnancy has to offer! It’s crazy to think that our child could already be formed and growing strong and healthy in another woman's body. We are so blessed to have the opportunity to grow our family through adoption.

We thank God that He called us to take this path. A few weeks ago I had my annual visit with my new gyn - exciting, I know. (Side note: she is willing to help me attempt to induce lactation - YAY!). Now back to my original thought - as I went to the doctor I had the privilege of peeing in a cup, that’s right be jealous. The last time I had to do that I was peeing in a cup to make sure I wasn’t pregnant before we did a uterine biopsy - not my most exciting memory. So my thoughts immediately went to the possibility of being pregnant. We have tried for 3.5 years to become pregnant - we still cling to the hope that God will perform a miracle and open my tubes allowing for natural pregnancy without fertility treatments. However, for the very first time in 3.5 years I was actually hoping I was not pregnant. Crazy huh? I know our child is out there. Our baby is in someone else's womb, growing perfectly and preparing to come home to us. If I was pregnant we would have to stop our adoption process and we would not have our baby through adoption and that thought broke my heart.

I know the road ahead will not always be easy. There will be bumps and curves and stresses along the way and it will all be worth it. In the end we will have our baby - the one that God created just for us! We can’t wait.

Thank you for your continued support, encouragement and prayers throughout this journey. We are truly blessed.

Adoption Update

We are so excited to finally announce that we have officially started our adoption process! We have been on hold as we have waited for our Florida house to sell and after 6 and a half long months, we have finally sold our house today and have extra money to spend! That extra money will go straight toward adopting our sweet baby.

I have spent a lot of time researching adoption agencies and we decided on the agency we would go with. On Saturday, July 4 we submitted our application to the agency and by the following Tuesday we received notice that we had been approved. We will be meeting with someone on next Wednesday to receive our big binder of paperwork and information. We will also need to complete a home study which could take 6-8 weeks before we are available to adopt. Aside from that, we really don’t know what else to expect from this process but are excitedly waiting to learn about all that needs to be done.

Kristofer and I have finally let ourselves become hopeful and excited that we will soon have a baby - we will soon be parents! We have started looking at baby furniture and discussing how we want to decorate the nursery. All these things that we have been longing to do, we are actually able to plan out. After almost 3.5 years we are finally allowing ourselves to be excited, realizing that this is really happening and soon we could finally have our child in our arms. That is super exciting.

We pray for our baby often. Praying for protection, praying that God forms him or her in His image. We pray for our expectant mother as well - that God will give her comfort and peace, that He will direct her path and that she will help protect our baby until she hands him or her over to our arms. We don’t know who our future birth mother/father will be but thankfully God knows exactly who they are. He knows their story and soon we will be a huge part of their journey as we merge our lives together.

Nowadays, most if not all adoption agencies require adoptions to be open. This allows for biological parents to receive updates on the child's progress throughout their life. Each family decides exactly how open they want to be and they all come to an agreement about what kind of contact is to be expected. At first I was a bit unsettled by this. This is a very unknown area for us, so I began reading multiple blogs about open adoptions from both perspectives. We really do not know what our adoption will look like but we are trusting in God's plan. However open our adoption may be, we will have the opportunity to not only love on our child for all of our life, but we will also have the opportunity to show God’s love to our child's biological parents.

We know that this process may not be easy or as smooth as we hope; we’ve had our fair share of disappointments over the last few years as we have tried to have a child. We are thankful that we know that this is what God has planned for us. He has called us to adopt. No matter how long it may take, no matter the ups and downs we may face in the coming months in the end we will have a baby in our arms. A baby that was created for us to love, nurture and experience life with. We couldn’t be more excited!

So now continues the research of what to expect with having a newborn, preparing the nursery and purchasing all of the items that a baby will need! I have also started researching all there is to know about using cloth diapers - call me crazy but I’m pretty sure we will be going this route. I will also be talking to my doctor regarding the possibility of nursing our child. I have read a lot of blogs regarding this and there is a possibility I could produce everything the baby will need. Even if it is just a little, it would be something. There is so much to plan and learn and we are ready for this new adventure.

We are excited. We are hopeful. We are one step closer to having our baby in our arms.

Living in the moment while dreaming of our future

This month marks 3 years since Kristofer and I started our journey to parenthood. Part of me can’t believe it has been that long, while another part of me feels like it has been a lifetime. In Tracies perfect world, by this point we would have a toddler running around with another on the way. However, that is not the plan that God has for us. I won’t lie and say that I understand why - I don’t! Sometimes I try to make myself believe the reason; I will be able to help other women who face this same struggle, God just wants me to be faithful and trust Him, I need to fix something in my life to be worthy to be a mother. All of these take its toll on my life, on my emotions. Ultimately, I don’t know the true reason. I may never know. But what I do know is that I must keep going every day. I must do my best to trust fully in Him, I must do my best to take care of myself and I must do my best to help others in this world. I must live my life in the present and not just waiting for the future.

Living in the present can be difficult for me. I think a lot of people would agree it is difficult for them as well. Always waiting for Friday afternoon, waiting for the next vacation, the next concert. All of those things can be good, but at times you can find yourself wishing the day away so you can be closer to your next exciting adventure. While doing this, you may miss the opportunity for something great to happen in that very moment. This has been a struggle for me.

Ever since Kristofer and I have moved, I have had a lot of time during the day to be with my own thoughts as I work to make our house a home. At times I find myself hoping for my next trip to Florida, or for us to sell our house so we can hopefully start the adoption process. All of these things can be good - something to look forward to - but they can also be a burden. Hoping for a trip to Florida makes me miss my family and friends even more. Wishing I could still be there on a day to day basis and be more involved in everyones lives, making me sad that I’m not. Excitement for our adoption process is great and exciting but along with it comes the fear that it won’t happen or the sadness that we still don’t have a child to call our own after all of these years.

We have a room in our new house that is empty. It has a couple “overflow” items as I continue to paint and decorate the house, but for the most part it remains empty. The closet however has a few baby items stored away. Things we have purchased and items we have been given for our future child. This empty room is the room that we hope to make a nursery. Truth be told I don’t go in that room very often. There is a huge part of me that wants to go in there and start decorating our nursery and preparing for our baby. Then there is a part of me that doesn’t want to get my hopes up. It won’t feel real until we fill out our adoption application, until we have our home studies and it most certainly won’t feel real until a loving mother picks us to take care of her child.

I guess until we get to that point I will continue to have that bedroom door closed. Occasionally going in and opening the closet doors hoping, praying and dreaming about the day that we get to bring those items out and shower our baby with love.

This is all a process for me. I may not deal with certain items in the most proper/healthy way, but this is how I have learned to deal. Everyone deals with disappointment, heartache, grief and struggles in a different way. I am trying to do my best to live my life in the now, enjoying my husband and the time that we get together. While we enjoy life and our time together, we will always have a longing for our child. I know there will be a day when a baby is placed in our arms. A day when we will have no sleep, dirty diapers surrounding us and bottles piled up in the kitchen sink. I look forward to this day. As I look forward to this day, I choose to do my best to live in the now. I may not always be successful with this, but I choose to do my best.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

A New Plan

It’s been a few months since I have updated and it has been a crazy few months at that! The day before Thanksgiving Kristofer accepted a job offer and we began the process of relocating to South Carolina. We moved on December 30 and have now - for the most part - settled into our new home. I still have a lot of painting to do as I am not a fan of white walls in my house, but we are getting there. I do miss my family and friends but I know there is a reason why God has moved us up here and I am doing my best to adjust accordingly.

Now onto more exciting news in the Ranström house - God has changed the path that He wants us to take in regards to our infertility problems. Our original plan was to start IVF by the end of the year but God showed us another route He wants us to take. Back in the middle of October God started putting adoption on our hearts and minds. We attended an adoption event on November 1 and left the event knowing that God had called us to adopt!

We are now focusing on private adoption rather than IVF. Lord willing, we will try IVF in a year or two but for now we feel that adoption is what we need to do. We have not started the adoption process as of yet but we hope to start in the next couple of months; with the move, we were set back a little bit on our plan. Another aspect that is slowing the process is due to the high cost of adoptions - it can range anywhere from $15,000-25,000. We are hoping that as soon as our house sells in Florida we will be able to use some of the money from that to go toward our adoption costs. Now we just need our house to sell!

We are so excited about this new path and are so looking forward to having a sweet baby join our family. Our longing for a child has only grown stronger over these past few months. There are times where I still struggle with the fact that we still don’t have a child. I still have sad days, or even weeks as I long for my baby. I have moments of sadness and annoyance in knowing that either way we go in order to have a child - whether IVF or adoption - it is incredibly intrusive. I have moments of jealousy that a lot of people can conceive a child on their own without having to go through treatments or home studies. However, through these moments of struggle God shines through and reminds me that He has a plan. We are so very excited for His plan. This is our personal journey that He is molding together and through the dirty and ugly moments that I have, His beautiful plan always shines through.

Thank you again for all of your love and support during this journey of ours. We are so thankful to those who have donated and for those who continue to pray for us. Thank you!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

“Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:14