This month marks 3 years since Kristofer and I started our journey to parenthood. Part of me can’t believe it has been that long, while another part of me feels like it has been a lifetime. In Tracies perfect world, by this point we would have a toddler running around with another on the way. However, that is not the plan that God has for us. I won’t lie and say that I understand why - I don’t! Sometimes I try to make myself believe the reason; I will be able to help other women who face this same struggle, God just wants me to be faithful and trust Him, I need to fix something in my life to be worthy to be a mother. All of these take its toll on my life, on my emotions. Ultimately, I don’t know the true reason. I may never know. But what I do know is that I must keep going every day. I must do my best to trust fully in Him, I must do my best to take care of myself and I must do my best to help others in this world. I must live my life in the present and not just waiting for the future.
Living in the present can be difficult for me. I think a lot of people would agree it is difficult for them as well. Always waiting for Friday afternoon, waiting for the next vacation, the next concert. All of those things can be good, but at times you can find yourself wishing the day away so you can be closer to your next exciting adventure. While doing this, you may miss the opportunity for something great to happen in that very moment. This has been a struggle for me.
Ever since Kristofer and I have moved, I have had a lot of time during the day to be with my own thoughts as I work to make our house a home. At times I find myself hoping for my next trip to Florida, or for us to sell our house so we can hopefully start the adoption process. All of these things can be good - something to look forward to - but they can also be a burden. Hoping for a trip to Florida makes me miss my family and friends even more. Wishing I could still be there on a day to day basis and be more involved in everyones lives, making me sad that I’m not. Excitement for our adoption process is great and exciting but along with it comes the fear that it won’t happen or the sadness that we still don’t have a child to call our own after all of these years.
We have a room in our new house that is empty. It has a couple “overflow” items as I continue to paint and decorate the house, but for the most part it remains empty. The closet however has a few baby items stored away. Things we have purchased and items we have been given for our future child. This empty room is the room that we hope to make a nursery. Truth be told I don’t go in that room very often. There is a huge part of me that wants to go in there and start decorating our nursery and preparing for our baby. Then there is a part of me that doesn’t want to get my hopes up. It won’t feel real until we fill out our adoption application, until we have our home studies and it most certainly won’t feel real until a loving mother picks us to take care of her child.
I guess until we get to that point I will continue to have that bedroom door closed. Occasionally going in and opening the closet doors hoping, praying and dreaming about the day that we get to bring those items out and shower our baby with love.
This is all a process for me. I may not deal with certain items in the most proper/healthy way, but this is how I have learned to deal. Everyone deals with disappointment, heartache, grief and struggles in a different way. I am trying to do my best to live my life in the now, enjoying my husband and the time that we get together. While we enjoy life and our time together, we will always have a longing for our child. I know there will be a day when a baby is placed in our arms. A day when we will have no sleep, dirty diapers surrounding us and bottles piled up in the kitchen sink. I look forward to this day. As I look forward to this day, I choose to do my best to live in the now. I may not always be successful with this, but I choose to do my best.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6
